Virtuous Friendship

“Friendship is the source of the greatest pleasures, and without friends even the most agreeable pursuits become tedious.” – St. Thomas Aquinas

Men, 

Many of us can count ourselves lucky to have friends. How much of a grace is it to count another human being as one of your companions in life? I aim to write on what is called virtuous friendship. This is not to take away value from family members or spousal relationships. However my main focus is to consider what virtuous friendship truly is; what it looks like in theory and in practice. To go in depth, we will tap the intellect of Aristotle and St. Thomas Aquinas about the subject, thoughts on different kinds of friendship and how they fit in with being a virtuous, Catholic man. 

Let us first begin with what Aristotle understood as friendship. The legendary philosopher broke down friendship into 3 categories; Friendships of Pleasure, Friendships of Utility, and, most importantly Friendships of Virtue. Off the top of your head, you could probably identify and categorize your friends just by these titles alone. 

Friendships of Pleasure

Friends in this category are simply people whose company we enjoy. A good example of friendships of pleasure are your casual drinking buddies or good acquaintances that you get to catch up with at the “friendsgiving” parties. Whether this type of friendship hinders or helps us in our life, the relationship itself is predicated on the simple fact that they are fun to be around. It is important to point out that friendships built on pleasure and passion also have shallowness to them. Aristotle claimed that they would not last forever because of this aspect. 

Friendships of Utility

These friends are our friends because we share some sort of mutual (and sometimes a not so mutual) benefit. Perhaps we are friends with these people because they are high up in the company, or because they are good at networking which could give you a leg up in your career or social life. Essentially these friendships are exploitative if only on a small level. BUT friendships of utility are considered necessary and natural. Things like nurturing a relationship with your wife’s father is a good (less exploitative example) of utility. You will be married to your wife until death do you part so it probably makes sense to have a stable relationship with inlaws to keep harmony. Aristotle claimed that these relationships are also shallow and can be easily dissolved. Say (God forbid) that you get ,what is called in the modern world, a divorce. Then that relationship to the father in law is no longer necessary or beneficial.

Friendships of Virtue

According to Aristotle, friendships of virtue are friendships in the fullest sense of the word. It is a friendship where people are pursuing the virtuous life in common. Each friend drives each other towards virtue. People in virtuous friendships ultimately ignore pleasure and utility and instead are only concerned about what the best thing is for that friend, regardless of the benefit / despair it may cause to themselves. A good example of this is when a great friend of yours gets married and even though that means you have less time to pal around, you are genuinely happy for them because they are happy. These friendships are only possible among the virtuous in character.

By Aristotle’s reasoning and to put it bluntly, people who reject virtue can never truly enjoy friendship. With vice, comes the disconnect of the true love of real friendship that only virtue can foster.

Aristotle argued that friendship supersedes justice and that no one would truly want to live without friendship of some kind. So friendship over justice of all things? This sounds very much like favoritism of one’s buddies over what is proper and right. Was Aristotle implying that friendship escapes virtue? I don’t believe that to be so. 

“Friendship seems to hold cities together and lawmakers seem to take it more seriously than justice” 

He also argued that friendship is even higher than honor. Again, another loaded statement from the late philosopher. Aristotle makes sense of this by saying that in honor, people value being loved rather than loving and the people who seek out honor probably seek out flattery or those who have more power than they do, which would coincide with his view of friendships of pleasure and utility. With his argument of true friendship trumping justice and honor, the gap widens between the similarities of virtuous friendship and the other two types.  To sum up Aristotle’s musings of friendship, it is clear that he believed communities are built around them, which he reasoned were greater than honor and justice, but in virtuous friendship, both of those characteristics must manifest in between friends. 

On a side note, remember there is not much emphasis on mercy without justice by its side. However, given the Christian element, that we will cover later in the article, mercy is just as important of a component within a friendship.

According to St. Thomas Aquinas

St. Thomas Aquinas, one of the greatest saints and theologians of the high middle ages took Aristotelian philosophy and helped shape Christian thought through this lens.

True, virtuous friendship is based on the foundation of unselfish love for another person. You can learn more about Catholic Masculinity and how love is the most important component HERE in my blog post titled On Catholic Manliness

St. Thomas Aquinas believed that even though unselfish love is the base for friendship, it alone is not enough. Every person has experiences of sorrow, joy, and hopes. Aquinas says that when sharing one’s inner life with another, one comes to live not just one life, but two.

“The inner life of friendship brings out the best in a person through forgetfulness of self.” (1) 

Aquinas seems to be piggy backing off of Aristotle with this quote. Friendship is more than honor and justice. It is a special bond that is built on virtue. Selflessness, being a virtue is a giant step towards this type of friendship that supersedes justice and honor. In virtuous friendship, the parties find more of Christ in each other instead of faults and because of this, the relationship grows. 

Aquinas ties this type of virtue in with our relationship to God. Talking about divine friendship, the habit of charity involves our part with God. Because of free will, we act freely from our intellect and will. What is natural to God becomes second nature to us through habit. 

“The creation of His Love within us is called the habit of charity.” (2)

Conclusion 

To separate from the great philosophers and the knowledge bestowed upon them from God, let us tie in their thoughts with scripture. 

Luke 10:27 reads “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind: and thy neighbor as thyself.”

We are called to love God with everything in our being. We are made in the image and likeness of Him and are called upon to love our neighbor like we love God. That is to say love thy neighbor with all your soul, all your strength, all your heart and all your mind. 

We are to treat a visitor in our home like Christ. “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, …” (Matthew 25:46)

However, without virtue, a man cannot properly love thy neighbor. Meaning without virtue, one cannot properly love God. Virtuous Friendship starts with  humbling yourself before God and following His Commandments. Once one begins to pray, to humble themselves, to realize and to be willing to practice selflessness, that is when a man is fit for virtuous friendship and that is when a man will find one.

Pray to God for humility, knowledge and patience. Then get in touch with your best pal(s) or with an acquaintance who you have something in common with. Invite them to a frothy, hardy pint and be joyful in their presence. Nurture the common bond you have and take moments to appreciate that bond by taking steps to make it unbreakable. Work to find Christ in your friends and that relationship will last for the remainder of your days. Life and friendship go hand in hand. Take it and yourself lightly, but only in the seriousness of your Catholic Faith.  

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam

1 Farrell, Walter, O.P., A Companion to the Summa, Volume III (New York, 1940), p. 61.

2 Ibid., p. 6,